Slightly Sardonic Things to Do in Monterey: Where Otters Judge Your Fashion Choices

Essential Things to Do in Monterey (Besides Taking Selfies with Surprised Sea Lions)

Monterey simultaneously embraces and resists its tourist-town identity, resulting in attractions that range from genuinely awe-inspiring to delightfully ridiculous. The discerning visitor must navigate this spectrum with the same care an otter uses to crack open a sea urchin—precisely and with an eye toward the reward.

The Aquatic Crown Jewel

The Monterey Bay Aquarium (886 Cannery Row) commands respect even from the most cynical of travelers. Yes, the $49.95 adult admission price ($39.95 for seniors/students, $34.95 for children 3-12) initially feels like minor robbery, but consider this: where else can you stare at a giant Pacific octopus while it stares back, clearly contemplating the nature of its captivity and possibly your choice in casual wear? With over 35,000 animals representing nearly 550 species, the place delivers a marine biology course without the homework.

The trick to enjoying this aquarium without feeling like a sardine yourself is timing. Arrive either weekdays before 11am or after 2pm when school groups have either not yet descended or have already departed. The Open Sea exhibit, with its 90-foot window showcasing tuna and sea turtles gliding through blue infinity, provides the sort of meditative experience usually requiring expensive therapy or questionable herbal supplements.

The true celebrities, however, are the sea otters. These whiskered divas perform their floating backstroke routine with the casual confidence of creatures who know they’re the most photographed mammals in a 50-mile radius. Their feeding shows at 10:30am, 1:30pm, and 3:30pm draw crowds that would make minor celebrities jealous. Watch as they crack shellfish on their bellies while floating, a skill most humans can’t master even when fully evolved and clutching expensive degrees.

Cannery Row Without Canning Your Budget

Cannery Row stretches before visitors like a historical reenactment that forgot to remove the gift shops. John Steinbeck, who immortalized this former industrial strip in his novel, would likely raise a literary eyebrow at how his gritty portrayal of sardine canneries has morphed into a place where you can buy sardine-shaped Christmas ornaments for $24.99.

The street itself offers free entertainment for the economically prudent. Between the restored cannery buildings lurk street performers, historic placards, and the occasional sea lion who’s taken a wrong turn. Window shopping costs nothing, and the people-watching rivals premium cable for entertainment value. For actual sustenance that won’t require a second mortgage, locals bypass the waterfront restaurants charging coastal-view premiums and head to First Awakenings for breakfast, where $15 buys a meal that will sustain you through hours of souvenir rejection.

The true irony of Cannery Row isn’t lost on visitors with a sense of history—a place once defined by the pungent business of fish processing now sells scented candles that smell nothing like fish. Progress marches on, one overpriced t-shirt at a time.

The 17-Mile Drive Conundrum

The famous 17-Mile Drive presents visitors with a quintessentially American dilemma: paying $11.25 per vehicle to access a road that runs through a private community where the homes cost more than most people’s lifetime earnings. The drive delivers spectacular views of mansions interrupted occasionally by nature—dramatic coastal cliffs, wind-sculpted cypress trees, and the lonely Lone Cypress, which has clung dramatically to its rocky perch for approximately 250 years (outlasting countless human marriages and most Hollywood careers).

For the budget-conscious traveler, two hacks exist: enter on bicycle (free) or access portions of the drive through public points like Asilomar State Beach. Photographers should aim for the golden hour just before sunset, when the light transforms even the “Private Property” signs into objects of ethereal beauty. The contrast between natural magnificence and human excess provides a philosophical contemplation worth at least $5.50 of the entrance fee.

When exploring things to do in Monterey, this drive offers the chance to see how the other half lives while pretending you’re more interested in the trees than the houses. The cypresses, twisted by constant wind into botanical contortionists, seem to be bowing permanently toward the ocean, perhaps in apology for their wealthy human neighbors.

Coast Guard Pier: Where Seals Outnumber Humans

At Coast Guard Pier, harbor seals and sea lions have established what can only be described as a marine mammal frat house. These blubbery lounge lizards sprawl across every available surface, barking insults at each other and occasionally sliding into the water with all the grace of a sofa falling down stairs. The best part? This pinnacle of pinnipeds entertainment costs exactly zero dollars.

Afternoons typically see the highest concentration of seals, who arrange themselves in intricate social hierarchies based on size, volume of bark, and willingness to shove a neighbor into the ocean. Their apparent disdain for human excitement manifests in barely-opened eyes that suggest your enthusiasm for their existence is somewhat overblown. Nearby bathroom facilities exist, though they’re designed with the same minimalist approach the government applies to most public services.

Maintain a respectful distance from these wild animals, not just because of safety regulations but because their breath could strip paint off a boat hull. Their remarkable ability to sleep through camera clicks and children’s shrieks suggests an enviable talent for ignoring life’s minor annoyances.

Old Fisherman’s Wharf Without Getting Hooked by Tourist Prices

Old Fisherman’s Wharf operates on a simple economic principle: for every free sample of clam chowder offered in a sourdough bread bowl, an expected purchase of approximately $25 lurks in the background. Navigate this gastronomic gauntlet with strategy—sample widely but purchase selectively. The chowder ranges from transcendent to “did someone drop a salt shaker in here?” depending on the establishment.

Whale watching excursions depart regularly from the wharf, with prices oscillating between $45-85 per person depending on season, cetacean migration patterns, and apparently, the captain’s mortgage payment schedule. Off-season deals and combo tickets can save 15-20%, particularly if you book online and avoid the impulsive “I must see a whale RIGHT NOW” premium pricing.

For seafood that won’t require a credit check, bypass the most obvious restaurants with cartoon fish on their signs. The unassuming seafood markets toward the end of the wharf sometimes offer prepared food at prices that acknowledge you might want to eat again tomorrow. The best photo spots face back toward Monterey rather than out to sea—a panorama that captures boats, buildings, and mountains in one frame without requiring underwater camera equipment.

Point Lobos: Where Nature Makes Humans Look Insignificant

Just a short drive south of Monterey, Point Lobos State Natural Reserve reminds visitors that while humans built the aquarium, nature built everything else. The $10 parking fee might initially seem steep for the privilege of walking around outside, but the first glimpse of the dramatic coastline immediately reframes this as the entertainment bargain of the century. Free roadside parking exists for early birds or those willing to add a half-mile walk to their hiking plans.

The reserve offers trails for varying fitness levels, from “I just had knee surgery” to “I’m training for an ultramarathon.” The Sea Lion Point Trail provides reliable wildlife viewing with minimal exertion, while the more challenging North Shore Trail rewards with secluded coves and fewer humans asking, “Is that a sea lion or a seal?” The answer, by the way, is that sea lions have external ear flaps and are significantly louder, like the difference between a quiet roommate and one who plays drums at 3am.

The wildlife roster includes harbor seals, sea lions, and over 300 bird species, plus the occasional whale passing by offshore, apparently unaware that people pay good money to see them elsewhere. Serious photographers should bring tripods for the dramatic landscape shots, while casual phone-snappers will still capture images that make social media followers question their own vacation choices.

Practical Lodging Without Selling Organs

Monterey’s accommodation options span from “budget if your budget includes caviar” to “surprisingly reasonable if you don’t mind walking to the water.” The historic Monterey Hotel offers rooms between $89-130 per night, while luxury options like the Monterey Plaza Hotel command $250-450 for the privilege of falling asleep to genuine ocean sounds rather than a white noise machine’s approximation.

Mid-week deals can slice approximately 30% off rack rates, particularly during the shoulder seasons of late spring and early fall. The nearby communities of Pacific Grove and Marina offer alternatives that balance proximity with affordability—like dating someone who lives in your apartment building rather than across town.

When considering where to stay while exploring things to do in Monterey, remember that ocean view rooms typically command a $75-100 premium over their parking-lot-view counterparts. For the best value, look for properties advertising “partial ocean views,” which typically means “if you lean precariously from the balcony and look left, you might glimpse blue.”

Eating Adventures Beyond Clam Chowder

Monterey’s dining scene extends well beyond seafood served in sourdough vessels, though you’d never know it from the brochures. Budget travelers can assemble meals for $10-15 at local markets or casual eateries tucked away from tourist thoroughfares. Mid-range options ($20-30 per person) proliferate in the Alvarado Street area, while splurge-worthy establishments ($50+) cluster around Cannery Row and the wharf.

The discerning visitor learns quickly that the correlation between price and quality weakens in direct proportion to the number of tourist buses parked nearby. Some of the best seafood comes from unassuming markets that supply the fancy restaurants, while ethnic food gems hide among storefronts offering “I Visited Monterey and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” merchandise.

Farmers markets provide picnic fixings for fraction of restaurant prices, with the Tuesday afternoon Alvarado Street market offering everything from fresh produce to prepared foods. For specialty coffee that doesn’t come from a mermaid-logoed chain, numerous local roasters provide caffeine with conscience, serving drinks in cups that won’t still be floating in the bay three centuries from now.